


If you take on weight of the world you will inevitably end on your knees (but if you share it you can still stand)

by Louchie



Series: A Ballad Of Magic And Terror [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Good Regulus Black, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, James Potter mentioned - Freeform, Making Up, Platonic Cuddling, Regulus Black Deserves Better, Regulus Black Feels, Regulus Black-centric, Remus Lupin mentioned - Freeform, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Love, Siblings, Sleep Deprivation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tags Are Fun, Tags Are Hard, Underage Drinking, because I only post hp fic in the am or during first hour, because im a diaster like that, but also i would have wante to read this when i started looking for reggie fic so, but you get the point, characters are likley ooc, for the other me;s out there who want angst, goodish ending, i dont know, i mean both, i mean he's a shitty one but also he's a good one, its 3:30 am you see, its not sirius, no beta we die like men, sirius black is a good older brother fight me, suicidal regulus, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 19:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21379420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Louchie/pseuds/Louchie
Summary: Regulus's insomnia's been acting up. Between the pressure of the house and being heir and the crushing feeling of abandonment from Sirius leaving him he's starting to crack under the weight. After a particularly bad day, he learns of some 7th years sneaking some firewhiskey from hogsmead in and he buys some off them for far more than its worth, and gets drunk.He decides to approach Sirius. He isn't exactly sure why he does it. To start a fight, to see Sirius's face, to yell at Sirius, to yell at James, he doesn't know.But he does.Everything is loud any everyone is so so angry and something already cracking at the edges shatters and he has his wand to his head and he's sobbing and he knows without a doubt that he wants to die.But his wand is torn from his hand by a frantic Expellimarius, and Sirius crushes him into a hug.
Relationships: Regulus Black & Sirius Black
Series: A Ballad Of Magic And Terror [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1509704
Comments: 24
Kudos: 461





	If you take on weight of the world you will inevitably end on your knees (but if you share it you can still stand)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [youurelovely](https://archiveofourown.org/users/youurelovely/gifts).

> Well, another hp fic yall. For that one commenter that was like "please post more Regulus" or something
> 
> Gifted to youurelovely naturally.

Regulus hadn't slept more than 15 hours combined in a week. He was lightheaded and he could taste sound and colors were loud.

Everything was very fast and very slow simultaneously. 

He doubted he had ever been _ this _sleep deprived in his life.

Close, certainly, but never this bad.

…

He missed Sirius.

He hated that fact, truly hated it.

But hating it didn't make it any less true.

He missed being able to make eye contact with Sirius across the hall. He missed Sirius's dumb smile before he did something idiotic. He missed their stupid rituals and complicated jokes and he even missed Sirius's annoying habit of messing up his hair and he _ missed his brother_.

He hated Remus and Peter. 

He _loathed_ James.

He loathed James for taking his brother away. For stealing the _one_ stable thing in his life and leaving him behind to suffer.

(Not that Sirius was very stable, and not that everything else was predictable, but Sirius had _ always been there._)

He loathed James for ruining his life and taking his brother.

For changing Sirius then _stealing_ him.

He hated James for becoming Sirius's new brother.

He hated Sirius for leaving.

He hated Sirius for abandoning him to their parents.

He hated Sirius for yelling at him when he begged him to stay.

He hated Sirius for the fight the night he left, the last words Sirius yelled over his shoulder being "_I hate you._" And the door slamming behind him.

He hated Sirius.

He loved Sirius.

He loved Sirius because he had been the only person who _ever_ loved him enough to care about him over their appearance to the public.

(The only person he's allowed to think about ever loving him that much. _ Andromeda made her choice and abandoned all of them._) 

He loved Sirius because of the halfhearted smiles in the morning when they _knew_ Walburga was angry. The mutual understanding of ‘yeah, we’re probably not going to get through today unscathed.’

He loved Sirius for when he hugged him and promised everything would be okay. Just a few more years and they would be free. 

Just a few more years and they could leave. _Together_.

He loved Sirius for the stability he provided, for the smiles in their dysfunctional home, because no matter how terrible things got, no matter how bleak everything seemed, he would_ always be there._

He was a single constant in the churning waves of his life. Something _real_. Something _solid_. Something other than the crushing pressure of their name and Walburga's shrill, hysterical anger_._

Because Sirius was _ permanent. _

Because they knew that they were in this _together_.

Because they knew that no matter what happened, no matter how angry she got, they would still be brothers. No matter what.

He loved Sirius for caring.

He loved Sirius.

He loved _ his Sirius. _

Not _ James’ Sirius. _

Who glared at him across the hall and _abandoned_ him.

He hated _ that _Sirius for proving to him he didn't care. 

That even after _ everything _ they had been through, all the promises of staying together, all the smiles and hugs and curses and the anxiety attacks and the blood and bruises and all the broken bones, that even _ after all of that,_ even after _everything, _he was still as easy to discard as an old robe. 

He was still easy to leave behind. 

He hated him for leaving his old _ family_, his _ old _ brother, his old _ best friend_, for _ them._

For James, Remus, and Peter.

Leaving him behind in a life discarded and alone.

Dreadfully alone.

Leaving him alone with the weight of the world and the House on his shoulders and shattering the only semblance of stability he had left. 

Sending him careening off the edge into the endless sea of Walburga's anger and Orion’s indifference and the expectations of a thousand generations.

Abandoning him.

(Just like Andromeda. Just like everyone else who _ ever _cared about him.)

* * *

Regulus had gotten drunk.

It had been a bad day.

It had been a _ really really _bad day.

He had had an anxiety attack over an assignment the night before and hadn't been able to sleep (as usual. When could he ever sleep? What nights didn't he lay there overthinking assignments and his duties to his family, what nights could he fall asleep without fearing the morning, what nights could he ever sleep easy?)

He didn't know what he was doing anymore.

He was being pulled in a million directions by a million waves and he had lost his anchor in the storm.

He didn't know why he was trying anymore.

When some 7th years smuggled in some firewhiskey, he didn't even really hesitate when he bought some off them.

He didn't care as he paid far more money than it was worth.

He just craved the possibility of relief from the endless thoughts swirling through his brain.

(Sirius would often sneak off to muggle bars when everything was too much.

On the nights where Regulus knew if he braved crossing the squeaky floorboards between his and Sirius's rooms Sirius would be curled over his knees with trembling fists.

He would leave, those nights. Then Regulus would let him back in at some point past midnight and Sirius would stagger up the stairs. Regulus cringing at every loud floorboard he stepped on, becuase one wrong move, one wrong sound, would wake _her_ up.

He tried not to think about how terribly familier it felt.)

He drank too much.

By the time a little less than a third of the bottle was empty he just wanted everything to end.

He didn't care.

He just wanted this to end.

He just wanted to feel something other than existential terror and angry loneliness and the loathing of everything he had become.

He just wanted things to go back to how they were and he just wanted a brother again.

He sought out Sirius.

He doesn't exactly know or recall how he found him or even what part of the castle he was in, he just remembered finding him.

Maybe he asked someone, maybe he didn't.

Maybe he somehow found him through magic. Regulus doesn't know and he doesn't really care.

He doesn't remember much of what he said. 

Bits and pieces of him screaming at James and Remus and Peter for taking Sirius and Sirius screaming right back about how he left of his own free will and how he tried to stop him.

He doesn't remember what he was saying or what was said. Everything blurred into screaming anger.

Just anger.

Because everything in his life can be traced back to someones anger.

He was born into a raging fire, and he was so, so tired of the burn.

Regulus remembers the moment he realized this was a bad idea. 

Remembers hearing Sirius's voice mixed with the others voices and the screaming mixing into a cacophonous blur of sound and despair.

He remembers the feeling of hopeless sadness that has followed him for so so long and he remembers feeling the tears burning behind his eyes long before he stopped screaming and he remembers when the mental scale tipped and he remembers sobbing.

He vaguely remembers Remus (or was it James? Or possibly Peter?) trying to deescalate the situation. He remembers feeling tears burn into his eyes as he remembers that Sirius hates him and no matter what he does nothing will change that.

This _certainly_ won't.

And everything goes fuzzy for awhile and he knows he was crying and that Remus was talking to him, trying to calm him down and Sirius sounding _so_ angry _so_ bitter.

He remembers feeling like there were shards of shattered glass in his chest because he _always, always _spoke about mother with that scorn. And now it was directed at _him_.

(He felt like shattered glass. Like broken bottles. Like spilt blood.

Like sobs that aren't entirely muffled by an old blanket from a cousin you aren't allowed to think about. Like your older brothers screams from beneath your floorboards. Like the hurried steps up the stairs and the door slamming across the hall. Like the terror in your heart. Like the air in frantic lungs. Like all the nights of not-silence as you hear Sirius crying, too afraid to go across the hall in case she hears your footsteps _again_.

He feels like shattered glass. Like broken bottles. Like spilt blood.)

He doesn't remember what he said but he does recall Sirius's expression of fear as he said it.

("Who would care if I died anyway-_ I'm just the worthless spare. The worthless bloody spare—_")

Then Sirius talking, urgent, worried. (Almost caring.) (If he lied to himself hard enough, possibly even loving)

(("God damn Regulus— _ bloody hell what did you do? _What did they _ do to you?_"

"Why do you care asshole? _ You fucking left me! You left me and so who gives a damn what I did who gives a damn what they did. It doesn't matter nothing bloody matters_—"))

((("Did he do that to himself??" James's eyes were glued to the rows of scabby cuts up Regulus's arm that Sirius had uncovered like he somehow knew they were there. "What the _ fuck _ why would he do that? What the _ fuck_!")))

And everything goes blank and he knows later he's blackout drunk and he _ doesn't care_.

He's sobbing and Sirius is standing there talking and trying to calm him down and Regulus can't remember what he's saying but he knows he was angry and that he without a doubt_ wants to die. _

So he's pointing his wand at his head and he knows he's sobbing and Sirius looked terrified and Regulus _ wanted that_.

_ He wanted that fear. _

_ He wanted Sirius to feel the mindless terror he's felt for months. _

And he wanted to die.

He would have cast an exploding jinx but his wand flew out of his hand and across the hall.

The sound of the wand hitting the floor is baked into his skull. Along with an acute feeling of disappointment.

Then Sirius was hugging him and Regulus wanted to scream because _why can't he just die _ but he was sobbing into Sirius's arms and he was so tired and his head was spinning and Sirius was just mumbling that it was okay he was okay and Regulus clung to him. 

He was sobbing and eventually he was just sitting there, trembling and Sirius was still talking an endless stream of words Regulus doesn't remember and Regulus could hear his heartbeat and Sirius started saying something about dogs and butterbeer and he woke up in the medical wing.

Sirius was in the chair next to him.

He stared at him with an unreadable expression.

Regulus closed his eyes and rolled to face the other direction.

"You’re awake."

"No shit." Regulus mumbled into the pillow. "How observant of you. Why are you here?"

"What do you remember of last night?" Sirius asked with an infuriatingly gentle voice. 

"I don't know." Regulus snapped. "Go away. Call mother and father they can scream at me for being an idiot and kill me themselves. They probably already know right? The moment they get here your going to LEAVE ME AGAIN."

If Regulus had been facing Sirius he would have seen him flinch. "Reggie.."

"You left me. You left me with them. Alone."

"I know."

Regulus choked back a bought of hysterical laughter. "You don't have to be here. Just leave. Go be with your new brother and family and leave me behind."

"Regulus.."

"I know you don't want to be here. You're only here because you feel fucking guilt or pity or whatever. I don't need it. Go back to- to James and the others. I don't need you."

"Your arms are covered in cuts and you threatened to blow off your head last night, so clearly you do."

"So what? So fucking what."

"So I _ care about you, you git._"

Regulus couldn't help but flinch. To curl into his arms a bit. "Yeah?_ You didn't seem like it when you yelled at me before you left._ You hate me. _Act like it._"

"I was angry!" Sirius snapped. "And that was _months_ ago-"

"AND YOU LEFT ME WITH THEM." Regulus screamed and he just. Started sobbing. Uncontrollably. 

"Fuck. _ Fuck_. God damn it!" Sirius sounded genuinely scared. "Reggie I didn't mean.. God _ fuck _ I'm sorry I'm so bloody sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I- fuck _ fuck._" Sirius reached out a hand and Regulus flinched hard when Sirius touched him. Sirius retracted his hand hastily.

He didn't know what to do.

"Do you want me to leave?" He asked desperately. "Or- do you want a hug?" Sirius sounded panicked. "I- god I'm so sorry Regulus." 

Madam Pomfrey made him leave about a minute later - he wasn't supposed to be there in the first place. 

Sirius and James and Remus and Peter sat in their dorm and Sirius pretended he wasn't crying.

Until he couldn't pretend, and he broke down sobbing into James's arms.

Sirius cried about how bad Orion and Walburga _ really _ are and he cried about Regulus being suicidal and how it's his fault (James assured his that it is _ not._) and then he was just laying on his bed with James laying next to him.

Uneasy conversation struck up about a new topic, and Sirius tried to stay distracted.

Eventually Sirius was fetched by a very worried looking McGonagall.

Regulus had apparently been asking for him.

Sirius very slowly walked into the curtained booth - Madam Pomfrey had lectured him on boundaries and just generally 'You can't act like you usually do right now, don't yell at him, don't be a prick, he doesn't need the added stress, etc'

Regulus laid on the bed with a glassy expression.

The moment he saw Sirius he sat up. Something that wasn't quite happiness in his eyes. "..hey." he started. Voice little more than a whisper.

"Hey." 

Sirius pulled a chair over and sat down. "So - Poppy talked to me about boundaries and shit or something- what can I and can't I do right now?"

Regulus stared at him with an almost perplexed expression. ".._Stop_."

"Stop what?"

"The- what you're doing. It's fake."

"I don't know what you're talking about." It was a lie and they both knew it.

Regulus groaned. "Okay fine continue the bullshit. Whatever. Its fine treat me like I'm about to shatter like everyone else." His voice grew a bit hysterical towards the end, and he looked away from Sirius pointedly. 

"What do you need Reggie? I-" the forced calm on his face cracked for a moment. "I don't want-"

"You don't want to upset me like this morning." Regulus finished with a dull expression on his face. "You won't. I'm rather okay at the moment. Ish."

"..yeah."

"Sirius I-" Regulus closed his eyes a long moment. Gathering his thoughts. "I hate you but I love you and- and everything is really confusing right now. Especially regarding _ you._"

Sirius just looked at him with a confused expression. 

"We're supposed to talk. About- our relationship and such." Regulus sounded so formal. The voice he was supposed to use.

"Oh."

"Yeah- and- I don't know. I missed you. I missed you _so much-_" His voice broke a bit and he squeezed his eyes shut a few seconds, breathing deeply. Forcing himself to calm a bit. "You probably didn't miss me, though. With your _new_ _family._" and then he wasn't formal and the terrified 14 year old shone through.

"I did."

"..oh."

"Fuck Regulus just ask James. The first night I freaked out because the last words I might ever say to you were I hate you."

Regulus hunched over himself a bit. "Oh."

"So yeah I missed you."

"Okay." Regulus murmered. Blinking away tears that were rapidly gathering in his eyes. "Can- can you hold my hand? I- touch isn't really _ great _right now but I- want to hold your hand." 

Sirius locked their fingers. 

Regulus almost leaned into his hand. 

His arms had bandages running up them, hidden under his long sleeves.

"I- I really don't want to face mother?” It was almost a question with how he said it. Like he didn't know if he was sure or not. “Thank you by the way. For making them wait on contacting mother and father."

"It's nothing. And you're never going to have to see them again."

"...I _have_ to."

"Nope. They are terrible people - don't argue you_ know it _ family loyalty or whatever be damned - and if anything Minnie won't let you near them again. You won't have to face them."

"I'm Heir, Sirius. Father won't allow both of us to escape."

"Then we'll fuck off to America until you turn 17 and then they can't touch you."

"Oh."

Sirius smiled in a way he hadn't smiled at him in _ so long. _Before the fighting over the summer and him running away and the tensions rising in the house exponentially.

Reminiscent of those dreadful mornings when Walburga was ticking down to explosion and they both _ knew _they would be caught in the blast. When he knew things weren't good. When they were in fact rather bad. 

But they _ were _in it together after all.

"I love you okay? Just going to make that clear. I love you. I'll always love you."

"Okay." Regulus's voice was a bit strangled. He seemed to have a bit more isssue frantically blinking back tears. "I- I do love you. I just- it hurts a lot that you left."

Sirius squeezed his hand.

"I hate you for leaving." Regulus said quietly. Blinking furiously. "I don't really want to hate you but I do."

Sirius nodded solemnly. It hurt, to hear him say that. But he understood, at least in a way. "It's okay."

"It's like- it's like a war in my head I can't just- I can't just forgive you okay? So don't expect me too. I don’t - just don’t want to be _angry_ anymore."

"Then don't be."

"The only other option is sad and that's so much worse."

Sirius squeezed his hand, and Regulus used his free hand to wipe at his eyes. 

"I'm crying again. Great." Regulus's voice was dry as he said that. Sarcastic in a terribly sad way. "I don't remember almost anything from last night."

"You were blackout drunk, Reggie."

"I know. Madam Pomfrey told me. She would have yelled if.. If well. If she figured it wasn't a danger to yell at the kid who might slit his wrists."

"Regulus.."

"I mean- it's true. But it's not like I didn't already get yelled at a lot."

"Sorry- I. Sorry."

Regulus laughed shakily. "I deserved it. Storming over and screaming. You should have hexed me. I deserve it."

"Regulus."

"I- I don't remember much other than the screaming really. You should have hexed me. Why didnt you? I was being a prick."

"Are you saying that out of remorse or because you want to get hurt or some bullshit?"

Regulus exhaled a tad harshly but otherwise didn't respond.

The silence was telling.

"I thought so." Sirius said quietly. "You don't deserve to be hurt Reggie. And I didn't hex you becuase.. Fuck I don't know."

"I don't— Just.. Just tell me what happened last night?"

"Okay. What do you remember?"

"I.. I went to find you. I don't remember how but when I did I was yelling at you I think. There was a lot of screaming - what I said and what you said is rather blurry but the point stands. I was very angry. Then.. I just. I remembered that you hate me-"

"I don't"

"-and nothing I can do can fix that. Then I had my wand to my head. I was gonna cast an explosion hex but someone used Expellimarius."

"Remus did."

"And my wand was gone and then- this is really dumb."

"And then?"

"You were hugging me and- mm. You were hugging me."

"Mm?" 

"Don't make me say it _ please_."

"Regulus Arcturus Black."

"Look okay this is _ really _juvenile."

"Ooh fancy words."

"I remember I heard your heartbeat and it was calming and I just focused on that and your voice and mmm."

"Reggie,,,"

"I said it was dumb."

"That's adorable."

"Shut up."

"How did I forget how adorable you are?"

"Shut up. I just- shut up."

"Okay, Okay fine. Also, I think angry is an understatement Reg. You were threatening to murder James for- For what was it? Stealing me? For stealing me and ruining your life. Something like that. I started shouting back and James too."

"...I remember that kinda."

"You wern't making much sense after the initial accusations. You were shouting and accusing us of things and you send some sort of jinx at Peter? At least I think you were aiming at him. You missed by like, 6 feet. I jeered and Remus pointed out you were drunk. 

You flipped out when he said that.

And more spells flew and you switched from anger to sadness real quick. It was like a switch went off in your head and you just started rambling about how worthless everything is and how you should just kill yourself. 

Remus started trying to calm you down. I think I was in shock at this point. 

At one point you started scratching your arm and well.. I stopped you and then realized that well. I'm sure you remember what your arms look like right now."

"..yeah."

"I started asking you why you did this - I was scared you see. Then you mentioned Walburga and Orion and shit and you just sorta spiraled"

"Ah."

"Then you.. God, Reg. You had your want at your head and Remus cast Expellimarius and you just kind of fell apart sobbing and I just pulled you into a hug and you just cried yourself out. I walked you to the medical wing and explained the whole thing."

“Did anyone see?” Regulus’s question had an urgency too it that caught Sirius rather off guard.

“See what?”

“You walking with me.”

“I don't know? Maybe? Why- oh. _ Oh._” If someone saw, word would _always_ get back to the parents.

“Yeah.”

“We can deal with that later, it's- if word got back to them there isn't much we can do anyway. For now, let's just ignore it.”

“But-”

“Any letters from here sent wouldn't have arrived yet regardless, it's a problem for later. And the tabloids can suck it.”

“..Okay.”

“It isn't _ that _important anyway.”

"..okay." 

"What's important is that you’re alive." 

“I guess.”

"Can we just - talk about your arms a moment? What the fuck Regulus? I haven't seen your arms that fucking bad since, I don't know, maybe when Andromeda left?"

"Don't mention the _ traitor._"

"Yeah well _ you _cried about her last night so call it even.

"I what?"

"Cried about Andromeda. You were a fucking mess."

"...I cut because of just.. I was overwhelmed. That's...that sums up everything the best. I felt like I needed to."

"You don't need to"

"I know."

"I just- fuck Reggie come talk to me next time okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you. Okay?

Regulus teared up again. 

"Sirius? Um. mm. Can you? Um. Mmph. Nevermind it doesn't matter."

"There we go with the mm again." Sirius smiled weakly. "What's it this time?"

"It's embarrassing."

"Regulus, I can guarantee that I can name at the _very_ _least_ 20 things more embarrassing than what you are about to tell me."

"But-”

“Remember that time at Uncle Pollux and Aunt Druella’s on, oh who’s birthday was it? Not Narcissa, she's in winter and Bella was _far_ to annoyed. Probably Andy. Anyway you had just got your wand, and you-”

“Stop. shut up. Shush. No. I made you _promise_ to never bring that up. And you _agreed._ This is _treason._”

“Mmhm. What is it that you are refusing to say?”

"....can.. Can you just hug me? Like when were kids?" 

"Thats not even _slightly_ mortifying, doofus. Of course." Sirius clambered into the bed next to him. 

Regulus tried and failed not to flinch. 

Sirius immediately went to pull away but Regulus grabbed his wrist. "Please stay."

"Okay." Sirius carefully wrapped an arm around him. "Is this alright?"

"...this is so embarrassing." Regulus laughed a bit hysterically, while Sirius smiled. "If anyone came in I think I would just die on the spot? Uh. Can? Um. Can you actually hug me? Don't um. I want you too."

Sirius looked terrified. Like he might break Regulus.

(He wore that expression when Regulus had broken his arm over the summer of his second and Regulus's first year and neither of them had known what to do.)

But he moved closer and pulled Regulus into a real hug.

Regulus would have been lying if he denied the fact he almost snuggled into Sirius's arms.

He was leaning with his head in the crook of Sirius's neck. Closer than they had been in years.

It was nice.

It felt almost surreal.

He hadn't been hugged like this in years. (Since the time he had a breakdown at almost 3am and spent the night in Sirius’s room.)

"I assume you," Sirius laughed to himself. "Want to listen to my heartbeat?"

"Shut up.”

Sirius smiled into Regulus’s hair.

“...can I?”

“Pfft. Yeah. Dork.”

“Shut up.”

"Love you too." Sirius mumbled, and Regulus could hear the smile in his voice and it sent far more emotions than he was prepared for spiraling through his chest.

Regulus tried to ignore them as he shifted so his head was above Sirus's heart.

Regulus listened to his brothers heartbeat and felt entirely real for the first time in months.

Sirius stroked his hair and Regulus just laid there, eyes closed and breathing.

There were warm arms around him. 

A promise of love.

He was safe, right now.

He was safe.

Sirius broke the silence after a long while. "You really scared me." He said slowly. Carefully. "I.. Seeing you with your wand to your head it- God Reggie it terrified me. I love you so much okay? I never stopped loving you. Not once."

Regulus's face tightened but he didn't speak.

"I did leave you. I'm- well I'm probably going to regret that the rest of my life? I _should_ have made you come with me."

"I just.. I miss you." Regulus's voice was hardly above a whisper. "I miss you and I hate you. I hate you for leaving me and it hurts because I don't want to hate you."

Sirius said nothing. 

"I.. I tried a few times. At home. Kreacher stopped me. Tried to uh. Kill myself that is."

"Well shit me not the elf _is_ useful."

Regulus laughed hysterically. He pressed his face into Sirius's shoulder and tried not to show the fact he had tears in his eyes. "He's always useful. He's a good elf."

"This morning," Sirius started. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you-"

"It's not your fault. I- I was angry at myself. For getting drunk and doing this."

"You shouldn't be."

"Okay."

They fell into silence again.

"They haven't contacted mother and father."

"I know."

"You have options, you know.”

“What do you mean?”

“On places to stay. You could obviously stay at the Potters with me if you want. Or if you don't want to I'm sure Uncle Alphard will take you, if you, you know want to stay in legitimate inside the house family. Andromeda would take you I'm sure. I _know_ you miss her. She has a kid now, a girl named Nymphadora. You’d love her. If not her, maybe Aunt Cedrella. Join the Weasley clan.”

"..pfft. Aunt Cedrella would hate having me. But she would."

"I'd vote Andy, but it's your choice."

"..yeah."

"You’re never going to have to deal with the parents again."

Regulus squeezed Sirius. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Sure. How about I tell you about all the drama that happened in potions last week?"

"Okay." Regulus's voice was quiet. "Thank you."

Regulus listened to Sirius drone on about whatever and listened to his heartbeat.

If he tried hard enough he could pretend that none of this happened.

Regulus eventually started tearing up. Not quite crying, but something close.

It wasn't sudden. He has been fighting back tears for some while and Sirius eventually sighed. "Reg, I've seen you cry before. A prime example being last night. It's _ okay_."

So Regulus started crying. 

Almost weeping into Sirius's chest. Sirius hugged him closer as Regulus's tears soaked into to his shirt. 

"It's gonna be okay Reggie. I promise."

**Author's Note:**

> I think I was venting as i wrote this one.


End file.
